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[03 Dec 2008|01:30am]

whimsicalme
Dear Jesus Christ,

Please let it be two weeks from now.

Then I won't have homework.

And I won't have to see Susan Cunty Firer twice a week.


Amen,

Colin.
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the bane of my existance [02 Dec 2008|12:20pm]

skaterinpink
[ mood | sore ]

cramps. ugh.

cramps AND studying. even worse.
i will be SO stoked when this week is over.

xo for michelle

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Anomie [30 Nov 2008|04:17pm]

whimsicalme
There are times in winter
when it snows and you feel
isolated from everyone
and nobody answers your phone calls
or responds to your texts.
in winter.

when you just wish
that your boyfriend could go
to the library or a bookstore
with you. and sit
while you finish your poetry
manuscript.
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second guessing [28 Nov 2008|07:31pm]

skaterinpink
[ mood | lazy ]

grad school.

applications are due soon (2 months left!)...and i don't even know if i want to go anymore. of course i know i SHOULD go. it'll likely mean an increase in pay and certainly an increase in credibility. it would likely also help me get my foot in the door as far as jobs are concerned. it puts me on the road to a doctorate in case i ever become interested in doing that. plus, it's easier to just do it right away, rather than waiting until later when i have even more of the debts that life has to offer heaped on top of me. i KNOW all of these things.

so why the change of heart?

i'm not really sure. i guess mostly, i'm just worn out by school. i love to learn and i've loved my university experience, but i really don't know if i'm down for starting from the beginning again. mostly i'm just really excited to get my LIFE on track.

i never, ever thought i'd be this way, but i'm excited to get a 'real' job (and the real paycheck's that go along with them). i want to get a house. maybe even a car (if i get around to learning how to drive one). i want to feel like i'm actually moving forwards towards something and that i'm contributing to the world and not just digging myself into a deeper hole of debt. and, i want to start my own family. maybe it's hormones, but my entire BEING is just screaming because i want so badly to get married, and in a few years time have a kid, and all of that cliche stereotypical stuff. but i want it SO bad.

i mean, i'm done looking. he is the one i'm going to spend the rest of my life with. and now i just want to get on with it! and that doesn't mean i want to get married tomorrow or anything...but like, i want to start building our future! sure, grad school would only put things off a few years and would probably make things easier in the long run...but...but...i just don't know if that's what i WANT.

i'm worried that if i choose not to go, that the people i love the most [including nathan!] will criticize me for 'settling' or 'giving up my dream' for a guy. and it's NOT LIKE THAT. those who know me best should know that if grad school was what i really, really wanted, i would defintly go ahead with it. and if at any point along the way i decide, 'hey, how about them masters?!', it's not like it's ever too late really.

gah, it's just so frustrating. i've been off and on about this for a few years now, and now i'm not sure if i was just looking at grad school a) to make my family happy (they really, REALLY think going all of the way is my best choice), and b) as an alternative to the stress of finding a real job. i mean, at least with grad school, i apply and if i get accepted, things don't really change that much. i mean, of course the location does, but i'm still in school, going to class and living off my debts just like i am now. i can use it as an excuse to put all of the other stresses of life on hold...well, maybe i don't want to put them on hold anymore. BRING ON THE STRESSES!!!! i'm not in a rush to 'grow up' or anything like that...but i am excited to get settled into something that feels like a life of my own.

don't get me wrong. i haven't ruled it out. i'm still going to apply. i just haven't decided how i ACTUALLY feel about it. i need to make a list of pro's and cons. that might help. but at the same time...if in my heart i just don't want to go, then does it really make a difference?

of course, i still want to go to the east coast. although, i would be willing to put that on hold for a few years until nathan is done teachers college, because, to be honest, halifax just isn't halifax if he isn't there with me. all of it's appeal just sort of melts away.

anyway, i really don't have the time to be worrying about this right now. i should be studying for my rapidly approaching finals [tuesday and wednesday!]. i just needed to sort of dump this into writing.

i'm confident that in the end, everything will play out as it should. it always does :)

xo for michelle

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[28 Nov 2008|01:25am]

whimsicalme
I had resolved to not talk to Brandon for two days. But then he left me the most adorable message and broke my resolve.

So fuck him.

Although, <3
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[28 Nov 2008|01:25am]

whimsicalme
maybe i will.
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[24 Nov 2008|11:49am]

whimsicalme
I did not end up writing that paper after all.

I still have half an hour before class.

Blah blah blah blah blah.
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[24 Nov 2008|10:35am]

whimsicalme
There is snow on the ground, "what the fuck is this?" I said to myself.

My F key is fucked up. I don't know why.

I should probably at least start this paper (if not just finish it completely).

Semester is ending, and I still have so much shit to do.
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[23 Nov 2008|10:47pm]

whimsicalme
I annoy myself a lot. Both when I am in a moment and when I look back on a moment. I hate talking when it isn't the time to talk, I feel like I do that a lot. I just talk for no reason and people don't respond and I feel bad like I am annoying them.

I also annoy myself when I say the same things over and over.

"For sure"
"Haha"
"No problem"
"Anytime"

Also I stole, "I mean..." from Rachel. And I know it is hers, but I can't stop myself.

I say to Brandon, "You're such a retard/idiot" a lot. But that is just when he does something retarded/cute. I want to say, "I love you." But he is a retarded cute idiot a lot so I think it would get excessive.

Yeah.
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[23 Nov 2008|01:55pm]

whimsicalme
Maybe if I treat my winter depression like a log it will not be as bad. Like if I just write about it like a man who is stranded on an island would write about being stranded. I could be the Robinson Crusoe of seasonal affected depression or something.

Maybe.

They say that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but that is bullshit in my case. It just gets worse and worse every year. Last year I remember being terrified of dying in the winter. I would sleep on the floor because I had big windows and I was afraid of snipers on the rooftop across the way.

I would not sleep at night, but watch tv until the sun came up and then doze off.

This year I seem to have fallen..or be falling deeper. I have this razor blade and I sat in the shower with it the other day, thinking how little pressure I would need to apply to just end it. And I read "Perks of Being a Wallflower" and I drank by myself and I cried.

I cried again last night.

I just do it when I am alone because it is probably a really pathetic sight.

This 21 year old man sitting and crying, and if you asked "what's wrong" I honestly would not be able to tell you what.

I had a nightmare last night.

It was about Brandon and we broke up because he cheated, and I confronted him about it, and he said really mean things. I remember just dying inside.

There are two different types of dreams. The ones you have where you realize you are sleeping and that it is just a dream, and the ones where you forget it's a dream and everything seems real. Mine was the real one which made it that much worse.

I jolted awake at about 7:30 and looked at my phone. There was a text from him that said, "I love you." That made me feel so much better.

Maybe he knew. Maybe we have a psychic connection.

And about Brandon.

I am being a retard and reading too deeply into things. Like. I am paranoid that he is cheating, even though I know he isn't, but I guess I am in the stage that I always get to in a relationship. Where I get scared and look for reasons to end it.

But there isn't any reason; I am just an idiot all of the time.

I want to tell him about how I feel- the winter sadness, not the paranoia (even though they are probably intrinsically linked)- but I just don't know how to say it. I don't think I have ever really talked about it with anyone.

But I am really starting to scare myself.

And that is the honest to god truth.

It isn't too bad right now though.

I don't know what else to say.
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[23 Nov 2008|12:18am]

carnalcure
Roots deep within this beggar


A withered tree,

from which

as from beyond

the stars

a bird sings all horizons....

And all the while

through tangled path

and broken fences

each atom shines...
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