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grad school.
applications are due soon (2 months left!)...and i don't even know if i want to go anymore. of course i know i SHOULD go. it'll likely mean an increase in pay and certainly an increase in credibility. it would likely also help me get my foot in the door as far as jobs are concerned. it puts me on the road to a doctorate in case i ever become interested in doing that. plus, it's easier to just do it right away, rather than waiting until later when i have even more of the debts that life has to offer heaped on top of me. i KNOW all of these things.
so why the change of heart?
i'm not really sure. i guess mostly, i'm just worn out by school. i love to learn and i've loved my university experience, but i really don't know if i'm down for starting from the beginning again. mostly i'm just really excited to get my LIFE on track.
i never, ever thought i'd be this way, but i'm excited to get a 'real' job (and the real paycheck's that go along with them). i want to get a house. maybe even a car (if i get around to learning how to drive one). i want to feel like i'm actually moving forwards towards something and that i'm contributing to the world and not just digging myself into a deeper hole of debt. and, i want to start my own family. maybe it's hormones, but my entire BEING is just screaming because i want so badly to get married, and in a few years time have a kid, and all of that cliche stereotypical stuff. but i want it SO bad.
i mean, i'm done looking. he is the one i'm going to spend the rest of my life with. and now i just want to get on with it! and that doesn't mean i want to get married tomorrow or anything...but like, i want to start building our future! sure, grad school would only put things off a few years and would probably make things easier in the long run...but...but...i just don't know if that's what i WANT.
i'm worried that if i choose not to go, that the people i love the most [including nathan!] will criticize me for 'settling' or 'giving up my dream' for a guy. and it's NOT LIKE THAT. those who know me best should know that if grad school was what i really, really wanted, i would defintly go ahead with it. and if at any point along the way i decide, 'hey, how about them masters?!', it's not like it's ever too late really.
gah, it's just so frustrating. i've been off and on about this for a few years now, and now i'm not sure if i was just looking at grad school a) to make my family happy (they really, REALLY think going all of the way is my best choice), and b) as an alternative to the stress of finding a real job. i mean, at least with grad school, i apply and if i get accepted, things don't really change that much. i mean, of course the location does, but i'm still in school, going to class and living off my debts just like i am now. i can use it as an excuse to put all of the other stresses of life on hold...well, maybe i don't want to put them on hold anymore. BRING ON THE STRESSES!!!! i'm not in a rush to 'grow up' or anything like that...but i am excited to get settled into something that feels like a life of my own.
don't get me wrong. i haven't ruled it out. i'm still going to apply. i just haven't decided how i ACTUALLY feel about it. i need to make a list of pro's and cons. that might help. but at the same time...if in my heart i just don't want to go, then does it really make a difference?
of course, i still want to go to the east coast. although, i would be willing to put that on hold for a few years until nathan is done teachers college, because, to be honest, halifax just isn't halifax if he isn't there with me. all of it's appeal just sort of melts away.
anyway, i really don't have the time to be worrying about this right now. i should be studying for my rapidly approaching finals [tuesday and wednesday!]. i just needed to sort of dump this into writing.
i'm confident that in the end, everything will play out as it should. it always does :)
xo for michelle
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